It’s been a while since I last let my emotions flow onto the page. Sometimes, we need to give voice to our thoughts and feelings, and today, I choose to do so through writing, allowing my words to drift from my fingertips.

On August 4th, 2024, I lost my beloved cat, Milo. She was more than a pet to me; she was family. For nearly 15 years, we shared our lives, and in an instant, time seemed to stand still. Milo succumbed to breast cancer, a cruel disease that takes not only lives but also touches the hearts of those left behind. I know she fought bravely, especially after her surgery, and my deepest hope is that her passing was gentle, free of pain. I pray that God welcomed her softly into eternal rest.

Milo, sayang, today marks four days since you left us. We are still grappling with this loss, struggling to come to terms with a world without you. My heart aches with the void you’ve left behind. Mom and Dad are trying to adjust to the absence of your comforting presence—your gaze from afar, your warm greetings at the door. Kaseh continues to look for you, her confusion and sorrow adding to the weight of our grief. We struggle to explain to her what has happened, knowing it’s hard for her too.

Milo, sayang, I hope you’ve found peace and happiness. I know it will take a long time to get used to this emptiness. Please watch over us and help us stay strong.

Until then..

Hopes.

Jika ada peluang, kita akan berjumpa lagi. Jika tidak, mungkin cuma kenangan tempat kita bersatu kembali. 

Loss

I never thought that this day would come. I was probably too drowned in the luxury of life. The life that we all know is temporary. I was blinded by attachments and memories. Not knowing that one day, those memories will be forgotten. As time ticks, it has passed by, and you can't relive it. Regrets, don't we all have it? Feeling miserably hurt by someone who used to be a part of you, known you all their life. And one day, you won't be able to see that person again. Those mistakes can never be amended, you can never ask for their forgiveness because it's too late. I never thought that being left behind by someone you can never meet again in this temporary life causes more damage compared to those who are still there. We all have that kind of experience. Be it someone who we used to look up to, someone who was attached to you 24/7, a best friend, or anyone. At least you can still reach them. What is the purpose of social media these days if it weren't for stalking those kinds of people right?

I never thought that in a short and unexpected period, I have to endure a huge amount of pain, of being left behind. Being ditched. It hurts so bad. I never thought of feeling this kind of loss, like a huge loss, something that will probably take me years to get over. I've mastered that kind of experience you know? But it's different with this one. Only then, you'll come to realise that death is certain and inevitable. In Malay they would call 'hakikat'. Years ago, I used to wonder how people could cope with their life on losing the person they love and not being able to see them in flesh ever again. What could distract them. And how long would it take to heal. Now...Allah swt has finally made those wonders a come true for me. And I am not taking this easy.

That is why, I am constantly making du'a to Allah so that He will ease this pain. He will give me all sorts of distractions. It's so hard to live by the truth that you already know. It's hard being a place where a lot of memories were manifested by that person. Flashbacks are totally killing me and I cannot recall a day without me a having an emotional breakdown. In between those moments, I still have a lot of responsibilities lining up to me, all sorts of things that I have to settle simply because I'm in that phase of growing up. If I leave and run away, who knows the consequences will much more severe.

All in all, I don't have anywhere else to express besides praying to Allah and secretly spilling everything here. Writing is currently the therapy even though my grammar is bad, and vocabs are all boring. I am loner, actually. Alone from a good company. But it's okay cause I have Allah swt. No doubt He is the best listener. And would like to thank those who supported me during this period. Those who stayed and those who showed up. My thoughts and prayers for you people.

Once again, I humbly ask everyone who reads this to pray for my inner strength. I need this strength so much because being strong is the only way to beat it. You're not going to ask for other people to be strong for you right? No. There aren't any options. Please pray that I'll ace tomorrow's my first presentation and that I am able to score my final project in time.

This post is heavy with emotional rants please leave before it may pollute your brain

I used to think of myself as the master of this feeling. Like I've mentioned before, I let it pass my shoulders. Without paying a slight attention to it. I do feel the disappointment, but I'd tell myself 'You're used to this' or 'No big deal'. I did that. I thought I was strong. Because I never wanted to care about things that waste my time/energy or the non-beneficial ones. Focus on what you have and not what you don't have. Appreciate the love around you. But just lately, I don't know. I was turned down many times. For the efforts that I put in. I tried hard..and all I get is just disappointment. Until I reached to the point of getting fed up, I'm just done you know. I always ask myself kenapa lah hidup aku ni dikelililingi orang orang bijak cerdik pandai. After exam they will surely ask "eh dapat berapa. Eh macam mana exam and all this eh eh sangat menyebal kan. And they will tell you their result too. Some people  langsung tak fikir oh dia ni okay atau tak. Dia suka atau tak orang tanya pasal result. Please please do remember that tak kisah lah how many A+ you have got, how many E or G you have got tak perlu pun pergi tunjuk dekat orang. If they want to know, they will ask. Remember that masa awak tengah happy happy ada juga orang yang belum sampai target. Or maybe some of cerdik pandai people akan cakap "oh dia ni dapat teruk sebab tak usaha. Padan lah muka. Macam mana awak tahu dia tak usaha? Macam mana awak tahu usaha dia kurang dari awak? " eleh dia tu nampak usaha je lebih tapi result teruk jugak, mesti berlakon je ni".  Awak bukan Tunan nak tentu kan dia boleh dapat atau tak. Please please do remember this, Allah bagi awak kejayaan sebagai ujian dan kalau Allah tak bagi maknanya Dia nak kita usaha lagi. Jadi awak tak ada hak sama sekali nak judge orang tu. But it's okay. Theres hikmah to this, I'm very sure. Please just make your way and find me once you get the realization. I'm a human, I have feelings too. I'm tired of being pretentious, so this time I'll just let lose.

Everything above, ends up with a disappointment. Do note that I've been holding this for such a long time, I needed to let it out. By writing it down of course. Because I don't think anyone wants to get bored listening to my never ending sad, complicated stories. In the end, when I reflected back, I come to sense that all comes in one bundle of kifarahs from Allah. For all the things I did in the past. I've sinned way too much that Allah needs to throw these ordeals so that I become conscious of my own doings. If I feel disappointed now, or then, it's because I've done much worse to other people. If I was turned down for my own efforts by the people that I love, I turned down theirs, in the past. Without realizing that I might have made a huge mistake, I hurt them even more. I've said things I shouldn't. I was arrogant and self-centered. I was ignorant. It's all down to my own self. The root to all this heartache is within my OWN SELF. A reaction or repercussion. I know when I'm going through these hardships, other people have bigger things to worry about. It revolves within myself and it's up to me, really. I should move on and let go. Even though letting go is the most difficult thing to do, it's not impossible.

All I’d ever wanted was to forget. But even when I thought I had, pieces had kept emerging, like bits of wood floating up to the surface that only hint at the shipwreck below. Because that is what happens when you try to run from the past. It doesn’t just catch up: it overtakes, blotting out the future, the landscape, the very sky, until there is no path left except that which leads through it, the only one that can ever get you home."

- Sarah Dessen 

I just want to run away. Away from this life. Away from people. Away from my past. Away from my mistakes. I regret the things I did. All of it. I wish I could build up a time machine to rewind everything. To go back before all of this started. To go back and relive my life. To go back and fix everything. But I can't. The things I did can't be undone. So, what can I do?


I can just forget.

Everything that Ive ever wanted

All my life, I've never thought this way. 

Until at one point of time I realized that everything I've ever wanted could not be anything in these worldly lives. Everything that I've ever wanted lies in Jannah; where our Home is and where everything you ever wish for is granted. 

In your life you could never depends on wanting only 'this thing' or 'that thing' or 'such things'. Because if you do that, this Duniya will hurt you. The things that you wanted; they will not fulfill your expectations correctly. Because your heart is not made to want something so so much in this Duniya. This Duniya cannot grant you the 'wishes' to the level that you were expected. You have so much more to expect and to want in the end of them.

But then you may struggle to achieve success or happiness in this Duniya. But somehow in your struggle, you tend to pour your heart out into it so much that you feel 'this is everything that I've ever wanted'. So, when the outcome is different from what you have expected, you will feel broken.

But that really, should not be happening.

In your struggle of this Duniya, your heart should deeply yearn for something else that lies with God and akhirah (the afterlife). It should not be here. It could not be here.

Allah has created Prophet Adam a.s. ; the first human being and He gives him Home in Jannah,

So, there is the place where we all started. Jannah.

Our home belongs to the Heaven and that's why everything we desire lies in God and the place where there is no fear and sadness.

Cause your heart is made to wish for more than this.

Much more than this.

sincerly

You know what is so beautiful in the sight of Allah?

It is ikhlas; sincerity.

When you do something, do with ultimate sincerity.

When you love something, love sincerely. 

When you make du'a, make du'a in so much out of your sincerity. 

Because in ikhlas; in sincerity, the heart just gives. And it gives with sabr, pleasure, acceptance and thankfulness.

May Allah makes us among of those who feel so much sincerity in ibadah and everything we do and feel. Ameen.

Hope and Faith

When uncertainties keep circling the head, in the end, nothing matters. Just the guilt. Guilt that somehow strangles within the self, like its screaming but feels reckless. Because theres no way out, trapped inside the guilt forever.

Would you please, at least show me something?

I've had enough.
I knew, it meant something. It really did. I just dont know what God is trying to show me now. I even have doubts, astghfirullah. But I have to make a shield, a protection, all these dark thoughts from penetrating into the cold veins.

I tried everything, to avoid from being possesed by this feeling, I tried really hard. I guess sometimes we tend to lose to our own dark side.

Oh Allah. Guide me. I'm clueless, restless. I need to act but I dont know where to start. I'm scared that it will  destroy my own self. My faith. Im petrified that the outcome will be nothing. I dont think I'm strong enough to accept it.

Pray and hoping Allah would show me something.
Currently lost..in a midst of confusion.

In the end maybe.....

"Not everyone is meant to be in future. Some are just passing through to teach you lessons in life"

Two words : Thank you.

"One day, you'll be just plain and timeless memory for some people. Do your best to be a good one"

InsyaAllah, I will.

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If that is the answer, I would need countless/endless of REDHA+PASRAH after this. 

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Dearest to self, let it go.
Give up the creation for the Creator, and see what He gives you in return.
"And if any one puts his trust in Allah, sufficient is (Allah) for him." [Surah Talaq]

Grant me something better. or let it be just you. Amin ya Rabbal alamin.

Lost

“And I threw the thought of you in the sea, 

And just prayed,

That if it’s ever meant to be, 

The tides will bring the thought of you back into my mind once again.”