This post is heavy with emotional rants please leave before it may pollute your brain

I used to think of myself as the master of this feeling. Like I've mentioned before, I let it pass my shoulders. Without paying a slight attention to it. I do feel the disappointment, but I'd tell myself  'You're used to this' or 'No big deal'. I did that. I thought I was strong. Because I never wanted to care about things that waste my time/energy or the non beneficial ones. Focus on what you have and not what you don't have. Appreciate the love around you. But just lately, I don't know. I was turned down many times. For the efforts that I put in. I tried hard..and all I get is just disappointment. Until I reached to the point of getting fed up, I'm just done you  know. I always ask myself kenapa lah hidup aku ni dikelililingi orang orang bijak cerdik pandai. After exam they will surely ask "eh dapat berapa. Eh macam mana exam and all this eh eh sangat menyebal kan. And they will tell you their result too. Some people  langsung tak fikir oh dia ni okay atau tak. Dia suka atau tak orang tanya pasal result. Please please do remember that tak kisah lah how many A+ you have got, how many E or G you have got tak perlu pun pergi tunjuk dekat orang. If they want to know, they will ask. Remember that masa awak tengah happy happy ada juga orang yang belum sampai target. Or maybe some of cerdik pandai people akan cakap "oh dia ni dapat teruk sebab tak usaha. Padan lah muka. Macam mana awak tahu dia tak usaha? Macam mana awak tahu usaha dia kurang dari awak? " eleh dia tu nampak usaha je lebih tapi result teruk jugak, mesti berlakon je ni".  Awak bukan Tunan nak tentu kan dia boleh dapat atau tak. Please please do remember this, Allah bagi awak kejayaan sebagai ujian dan kalau Allah tak bagi maknanya Dia nak kita usaha lagi. Jadi awak tak ada hak sama sekali nak judge orang tu. But it's  okay. Theres hikmah to this, I'm very sure. Please just make your way and find me once you get the realization. I'm a human, I have feelings too. I'm tired of being pretentious, So this time I'll just let lose.

Everything above, ends up with a disappointment. Do note that I've been holding this for such a long time, I needed to let it out. By writing it down of course. Because I don't think anyone wants to get bored listening to my never ending sad, complicated stories. In the end, when I reflected back I come to sense that all comes in one bundle of kifarahs from Allah. For all the things I did in the past. I've sinned way too much that Allah needs to throw these ordeals so that I become conscious of my own doings. If I feel disappointed now, or then, its because I've done much worse to other people. If I was turned down for my own efforts by the people that I love, I turned down theirs , in the past. Without realizing that I might have made a huge mistake, I hurt them even more. I've said things I shouldn't. I was arrogant and self-centered. I was ignorant. Its all down to my own self. The root to all this heartache is within my OWN SELF. A reaction or repercussion. I know when I'm going through these hardships, other people have bigger things to worry about. It revolves within myself and its up to me, really. I should move on and let go. Even though letting go is the most difficult thing to do, its not impossible.